Monthly Archives: January 2016

The lowest of low

One of the lowest creatures known to man is the random girl who tries to maintain contact with a guy who is in a committed long-term relationship. Since there seem to be many of those girls with no self-respect at all out there, I thought it might be right to say a couple of words, not only in my name, as I have learned from many conversations with friends over the years.

Let’s start this off by saying a couple of good things about you, shall we? You know who you are.

The good thing about you is that you’re usually not too attractive, at least I haven’t come across any pretty version of such a pathetic creature ever – because a pretty girl would never seek for the attention of somebody who should be focussing all of his attention on the person that he has picked voluntarily. Another thing I love about you is that you’re never more educated or successful in any discipline that could be relevant, which is especially pleasant on days when I think about not being accomplished enough. I don’t compare myself to other people too often, but I have to admit that these, alongside with a couple of other of your favorable features, make me feel a little bit better about myself and I’d like to thank you for that.

When I think about it, there’s almost more good things to this pathetic species than bad ones, but still let’s see what we can come up with…

Of course it can cause unnecessary tensions in a relationship and thus a couple of days or moments that could have been spent differently, it can lead to trust issues and disappointment, with some of it probably for no real reason. Do you really want to have something to do with such negative energy? Doesn’t it make you feel like trash? Because it should – just try and see yourself in that situation, even if clearly you don’t seem to be desirable enough, how would you feel?

We all know how easy the internet and smartphones make it to stay in contact with people all over the world for seemingly no reason at all, but honestly, if you’re not seeing somebody in person on a regular basis because of some mutual social checkpoint, why would you want to maintain a Whatsapp-relationship? Be honest, what’s the benefit? Or…what’s the hidden agenda? Honestly, doesn’t it make you feel shabby? Because if you haven’t been a close friend of his for a very long time, you really shouldn’t be trying to creep whatever bond you’re thinking that you have between the two of you.

Yes, I know, sometimes it’s him who does the first step, so that relationship is doomed already anyway, but still: Girls with a tiny spark of decency will know that this is where you just don’t go into it. You just don’t. You screenshot his sad attempt and send it to your group chat with your girls and spend an hour on pitying her and insulting him and his inexistent manhood, that’s what you do.

Now I’m really not team clingy or possessive when it comes to relationships – with a certain level of trust and respect it shouldn’t be no problem at all for both sides of a relationship to have contact with other people, no matter how attractive or not. I believe in friendship between man and woman and I really think it can be great for a relationship if one or both partners have really good friends of the other sex. In the end, if somebody choses something else over you, it’s not big of a loss, it’s just better for it to happen earlier than later, so it’s really not a fear of loss that annoys the F out of me. Know what you bring to the table and all that. It’s rather the incredulity about the existence of people so low, so desperate to maintain relationships that aren’t fruitful friendships but god knows what and the lack of a possibility to give them my Oh wow, look at you look. – But I’m glad that I could make up for it on here.

Don’t be that low, trust me.

Anna

 

If you’re offended by this post, I have prepared a little disclaimer for you – and if you’re not, you can find me on Facebook  – xoxo

 

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Disclaimer: Chill

I woke up with the plan to write another one of my rages about whatever topic comes to my mind, but when I was greeted by a negative comment on my recent post – using the word pubertal – I decided to scribble down a short disclaimer to reference in the future – an efficient way for a lazy person like myself to get a few of those things that I thought should be clear straight once and for all.

I’d like to start this off by saying that I do not mind negative feedback at all, in a healthy scope, meaning that I am neither offended nor surprised that I don’t only receive positive comments to my rather upfront blabla on here. I honestly enjoy all of the feedback that I get, I wouldn’t have decided to expose my random thoughts online if it wasn’t that way – I know how this here works, so please, keep it coming, good and bad, but how about you don’t do it anonymously next time you want to be all mimimi pubertal and stuff?

This being said, I would like to continue by reminding you of the name that I’ve picked for this little project here: girlcasm. I don’t know what comes to your mind when hearing it, but I was thinking more girl and sarcasm rather than girl and orgasm or whatever you were thinking – or maybe not thinking at all – so why don’t we all keep this in mind when reading my posts? If you can’t, then maybe you should consider reading something else instead. You’re welcome.

Now that I hope we’ve made this clear, I’d like to point out that while, yes, my phrasing can be rather harsh, I do not only apply this to other people or things only – I try to keep the balance by being just as little gentle when it comes to myself. Like when I call myself shortlegs or admit that my attempts to pose in front of a camera look rather funny, you know? I’m planning to continue calling a spade a spade in the future as well, especially when it comes to myself, because I choose to take certain things less seriously. It’s fun. I’m enjoying this but I’m not forcing you to be a part of it – I certainly don’t seek to offend specific people, it’s more about playing around with impulses that I get.

And then finally: this is obviously neither a lifestyle, nor a beauty blog or whatever format that you’d associate happy thoughts, glitter and rose petals with. I’m aware that it would probably be easier to please and interest many people by posting monochrome outfits, pastel interior inspo or makeup tutorials on how to hide behind a 5cm layer of 20 different products – but it was obviously a path I chose not to take. For one because I think that there are already enough of those people out there who do a way better job at it than I ever could or wanted to and also because it’s just not who I am or what I enjoy.

Now that doesn’t mean that I’m necessarily a terrible, super negative person in real life – although, who knows, maybe I am 🙂 – it just means that I chose to share a specific, exaggerated part of my personality, which can obviously be extreme and obnoxious at times. I still believe that there are people out there who enjoy this kind of humor – not because they are terrible, negative people, but because they know when not to take things too seriously.

You know how they say: haters gonna hate – oops, I can be one myself – and you can never ever please everybody, even when you’re the world’s biggest sweetheart, which is why I don’t even try to go that way. So next time I say I ‘hate’ something, like Michael Kors watches, just chill and remind yourself that there are people out there who ‘hate’ broccoli and nobody ever goes crying about that.

Chill – it’s good for you, trust me.

Anna

 

P.S.: Did you know you can text me negative Feedback via Facebook as well? xoxo

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Less can be more

It will probably not come as a surprise to you that Valentine’s Day is my least favorite ‘holiday’ of all. Has been and will always be – when I didn’t have a boyfriend and still now that I am a member of that annoying club of people who are madly in love with each other. Now that I have been a member of this club for a while, I can finally take the freedom of saying a couple of snarky words about the holy holiday of the brainwashed, without sounding like a sad lonely girl.

Why don’t I like it? I don’t know, maybe because for some sick reason I deeply enjoy being negative about certain slash many things. But maybe it’s also because my whole body bridles at the thought of such affected symbolic nonsense. I broke up with my first boyfriend the day before Valentine’s Day when I was 18 years old because I couldn’t stand the fact of being pressured into showing affection that day – and flew to New York with him, as friends, on Valentine’s Day the year after. The only weird thing about it was the SWISS stewardesses harassing us with chocolate hearts all along the flight. That’s how indifferent I feel about this day.

Maybe it’s because I’m really bad at making presents, even though I don’t think that women should give men something on Valentine’s Day – surprise, diva alert! And maybe it’s also because I’m so hard to please – I know, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but really, red roses are so ordinary, they only look good when they come in multiples of 100 (you know, like from those photos of girls with a huge ass bouquet of roses which you can only find on Russian accounts), whereas just one single white rose or peony can outshine everything, all by itself. Doesn’t anybody agree? Less can be more, you heard it here first.

So…I don’t really like red roses, mostly for being so cliché, I guess…I hate Michael Kors watches and Pandora bracelets, universal distinctive mark for basics…but most of all I dislike being told to act a certain way, when I was planning to do so anyway: the person you love needs to hear it seven days a week, 356 days a year – go tell your special someone now. It doesn’t have to be with a present, just a random short message will do, even if you’re only apart for five minutes. I’m not talking about overwhelming spam whenever you can’t be together, but I honestly prefer getting nothing at all on Valentine’s Day, but being profoundly sure that I’m not wasting my time and energy on the wrong person all other days of the year. I guess you can call it high maintenance in a non-materialistic way.

The only Valentine’s Day I really enjoyed was last year, when the boy and I were to Copenhagen to celebrate his sister’s wedding – it felt kind of romantic to celebrate someone else’s love that day, not ours. Maybe we’ll find something equally not egocentric to do this year, but probably not because the boy is too busy with exams. Either way, I vow not to make a big deal about it and leave it for another day or moment.

So if you’re a guy looking for a present for a special lady, what should you get her? Honestly, if you have to, one single flower will do – but so will an honest hug, a couple of honest words. But hey! If you’re loaded, by all means, don’t hesitate to spoil the sh*t out of her, go and get her some really nice jewelry or whatever, but do it the day before or whenever she least expects it – so much better. Don’t be too focussed on some invented holiday, be the anti-cyclical, single flower type of guy.

And girls, do me a favor and don’t go all #bestboyfriend on February 14 – we really hope he is the rest of the year, too. And if you don’t agree with me, do it for the sad single girls out there, who really shouldn’t be dreaming of a Michael Kors watch for all the wrong reasons.

Less can be more, trust me.

Anna

 

P.S.: If you agree, you can let me know via Facebook 🙂

 

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Set the mood right

Let’s talk perfumes today, ok? A rant about MBFW has been simmering inside of me since forever, but I have decided to maybe, just maybe, keep it inside of me for another year….anyway!

My mother is currently buying a certain perfume off the internet because they have put it off the market and she won’t accept it. She has just bought four of the biggest flasks of it and has instructed me to enter every small perfumery I pass and check whether they still have a flacon left. I guess you can say she has a special relationship with perfumes and when I think of it, so do many people around me.

When I go to places in the UAE with my parents, mum and stepdad, they always end up in one of their typical perfumeries, which are totally different from ours and definitely worth seeing. There they don’t sell our typical range of perfumes, they have their own ones. It’s really important for the people from the UAE because the robes that they wear have special tassels that they dunk in perfume so they have a haze of pleasant scent around them all day long. I love theses shops, they always seem super mysterious, but I can’t spend too much time inside of them because I get a terrible headache so I always end up waiting for my parents outside after one or two minutes.

Also back home it is really hard for me to find a new perfume for me, because I can smell about three perfumes a day before I get a headache and leave it at that. The boy is a big fan of perfumes as well and when he tries them out somewhere, I’m of no use at all, my nose and brain are just unable to cope. And my dad… my dad is always looking for super fancy perfumes that either he has been using since forever or those you can only, maybe, maybe not find in a little specialized shop on 5th Avenue or the moon.

While I don’t think a perfume has to be super fancy and special to be good, I still think it is important to opt for a not too cheap one, because of first impression and all – do you know how many people out there, including me of course, have a sharp tongue about trashy smelling perfume? I’m allergic to it. You don’t want to be the one giving people a headache within the first couple of seconds, before you can even open your mouth.

I currently own six different perfumes, all reserved for the different ways that I feel or want to feel that day, if that makes any sense to you. I’ve seen this on other blogs before so I thought – why not do the things that bloggers do and talk about every single cosmetic product that I own? Yaaaay, right? So here we go.

Chanel – Chance

 

 

Clearly a girly classic, which is why I keep it for basic days – days where I don’t want to be seen or smelled, I guess. It used to be my favorite perfume, because it’s so light and uncomplicated but then I once, about five years ago, had a guy at the library walk up to me from behind, bend down to me and tell me his ex girlfriend used to have the same perfume… hence the basic.

 

Chloé – Rose

 

 

I don’t know about this one. My mother gave it to me and I can’t say that I hate it, but it is also very basic and I usually use it on days where I feel annoyingly cute – like when I’m wearing all pink or something.

 

Guerlain – La petite Robe noire

 

 

This one is already more interesting – still not too exciting but a perfume I typically put on when I want to be serious but not intimidating. I don’t know, it just feels that way. It’s a mix of rather boring with a hint of sophisticated. I know, f*cked up.

 

Kilian – Love, Don’t be Shy

 

 

This one, another gift from my mother, took me a while to get used to – at the beginning it is very strong, in my opinion, but as soon as I caught its allure I was totally sold. I am now using it for special occasions, since it is more expensive than others and definitely not how I feel like smelling just any day.

 

Yves Saint Laurent – Belle d’Opium

 

 

Yet another perfume my mother gave me, yet another one I came to understand only after getting used to it and it is exactly the perfume that my mother is trying to buy every single flacon left on this planet of. I find it very mature and feminine, I usually put it on for dates with the boy.

 

Stella McCartney – Stella Rose Absolute

 

 

This one is my all time favorite. I bought it after smelling it on a close friend of mine and even though it never smelled that way on my skin, it became my absolute favorite perfume. Of course they took it off the market shortly after that, which is why I am guarding my three almost empty flacons like a child and am only using it on super super rare occasions which are very important to me or others, like a wedding or something.

 

I’m sorry if I can’t be of big help describing the specific smell of everyone of these, I’m just not that kind of girl, which you can probably also guess from the condition that some of these perfumes are in… BUT I’m ready for a new perfume so – let me know which is your favorite and I’ll be happy to give it a sniff!

Setting the mood right is good for you, trust me.

Anna

 

P.s.: You know that I can’t see who likes #girlcasm on Facebook, right? So go ahead, don’t be shy – I know you’re creeping.

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Sweet illusion

I’d like to thank one of my neighbors for having ridiculously disgusting sex or making it sound like it, for without them I wouldn’t have written a new post yesterday when I was home alone without the boy. All alone in my bed, no way out, listening to my neighbors ‘f*cking each others brains out’ when I was planning to go to bed early.

Why disgusting? You’re such a hater. You’re just jealous. Lalala. Right?

I can’t really explain why the both of them make me this aggressive – I’m not a prude nor am I unhappy with the action that my own cookie box is experiencing on a regular basis, without going into too much detail here… It’s just that it sounds so fake, I just can’t. It sounds like somebody beating up a really tiny puppy – with the puppy squealing on top of its lungs and the other one whining with miserable satisfaction, just as loudly, like somebody who’s being released from unbearable pain. It makes me want to run down their door and beg them to please stop whatever they think they are doing.

I know, no judging. Anything goes, as long as it’s fun, as long as both agree – whatever floats their goat, right? He seems to be putting some real effort into his thrusting and she seems to be enjoying it, good for them. Maybe it’s really a case of two people with an appreciation for dubbing amateur porn having found each other. Or maybe what they are experiencing is really on a completely other level, beyond good and evil, something that I or nobody I know have ever experienced before.

But… it always makes me think of that one tiny illusion that every man with a more or less busy sexual history seems to have: women always come. If they don’t, you’ve fucked up. Or maybe something is wrong with herYes, most definitely, something must be wrong with that girl because before her, every other girl walked out of an encounter with me completely satisfied. Smooth. I know what I’m doing. How do I know? She was screaming on top of her lungs, duh.

How do I put this? Nah. I don’t think so. You probably have no idea what you’re doing or at least you’re doing it under a false perception. But that’s ok, nobody knows before somebody is brave enough to tell them and that is a self-induced problem of the female camp.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAtnQkWnUtF/?taken-by=girlcasm

I know I’m not the only girl that has been told several times that every other girl before her came or that she’s not half as loud as others and just thought … ok? Because – I’m definitely not shy, I just never overestimate. And I blame everybody who has ever faked something because she was too uncomfortable dealing with the truth, which isn’t even a sad one: things aren’t always the way they are in trashy movies – and that’s totally fine. It’s natural, it’s really ok. So please, in the name of unapologetic girls with self-respect and a sense of what they deserve and what they are not willing to give away for just any kind of sad performance – and I know that even my boy must have had to deal with many of other examples – stop the faking. It gives men a wrong assessment of their competence and leads to far more uneasy discussions and hurt egos. Like, no, rotary movements are not the sh*t. Or, no, if you don’t sense that specific tremble, it just wasn’t it, not matter how loud it was. I’m sorry.

On the positive side – I hate being home alone at night and my neighbor’s humping noises always make me think of how no intruder in the world would have the nerves to listen to their nauseating performance. So guys, if you’re reading this: thank you, but also – can you not? Thank you.

And thank you guys for listening – I hope I wasn’t too specific where I didn’t want to be.

Illusions aren’t good for you, trust me.

Anna

 

Visit me on Facebook if you, too, have gross neighbors.

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